Wednesday, January 11, 2012

That's a huge bitch!

Hey, My name is Paula. I am a behemoth. A huge bitch. And I'm proud of it?? Yes. No. Maybe.

Currently, I weight 335 lbs. THAT. IS. PRETTY. BIG. Most of the time, I am ok with it. At least, I think I am. I think this is because I have never had the experience of being normal sized. Perhaps, waaaay back, when I was a "little" girl,  I wasn't morbidly obese - but that was so long ago, I can't remember.

I don't want to be thin. That gap between the thighs, delicate bones creating hills and valleys over the landscape of a body. That's all well and good for most people, but I prefer the softness and warmth of fat.
But sometimes, the fat becomes too much. Both physically and mental. It becomes a wool blanket you can't kick off at night. Suffocating.

 I don't mind being my size most of the time. At my core, under all the anxiety over "Will I fit in this booth? Will I take up two seats on the bus? Does my boyfriend will love me?" I am happy. In fact, I think it's the other way around. I love myself. My boyfriend loves me. Most people who meet me, like me. But sometimes, panic blooms in my heart and completely overtakes me. I lose sight of my true self, my soul, and all I become is mass. I feel like I take up too much space in this world. The panic stains my whole self and others react to my self hate. It takes a while to get back to that clean, happy place I usually live in.

So what is this blog? Is it a weight loss journey? No. Is it a fat-power thing? Not exactly. This blog is me, trying to figure out how I can be happy, sad, proud and disgusted by my body all at once. It's me trying to put some reason into why I love and hate my body.

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